another bad day.

How did it all come down to this? To that one conversation, that one fight? How is it possible to have the worst night ever when you're asleep and I'm dreaming of you? I couldn't sleep without fixing things, without apologizing. I wonder why, why you question the love I have for you.  I really, honestly, completely and entirely love you, with my whole heart. Though sometimes I don't show it and at times I'm timid, but I really do.

The place you're in right now is hard, but I want to be there for you, as a friend, if that's all I can be right now I will, I can wait. The emotions, the thoughts and words that are going through my mind are many, but I don't feel lost at all. I found myself in you... As hard as I tried not to impress you, somehow I did... With all of my strength I tried not to fall for you again, but I did. I had prayed, I asked God to help me, because I really didn't know what to think, what to do and what to say when we met. But everything fell into place and in my mind we were perfect for each other. Today is a new day, cloudy, cold and humid, much like a day you would enjoy. Though as much as I hate it, I somehow love it, because it makes me think of you and the days and nights we spent together only four short days ago. I don't want to lose you again, I don't think I can, but if I do, I will move on because I will have to. Together we could do this, I need you to help me through too and I know you could use me too. But all in all, there are not enough words to say to you to explain all of this... to convey that I REALLY DO LOVE YOU and that I would do anything for you.

Everything happens for a reason, both of our opinions matter, but the decisions we come to should bbe a collaborated  effort of sorts. I hope you understand.

Always yours,

KG.

just another what if post.

Suppose every moment, every action, led up to this one moment... And in a way it did...
Just a thought, turned into a word then into an action that led up to these days.
It was an ordinary day that we decided that we should meet, that we should make this plan happen.
Though no one really knows about our initial thoughts about the entirety of this trip, because honestly we didn't tell a soul. What I am trying to converse is this, the idea about coming to Texas was a collaborated effort you may say and we made it happen. Yes, Texas, a wonderful state... Beautiful in all of its entirety and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't not go, no matter what I thought, no matter what anyone said I couldn't stop anything from happening, if it was meant to be it would be.  The days have passed slowly and it has begun to feel like home. Our friendship has grown stronger since I have come. The thought of leaving enters in my mind and I can only pray I don't cry, but in my heart I know I will. "I don't want to leave, the thought of not seeing him in the morning kills me..." these are the words that enter into my mind. Fear, what is fear, what's it feel like to be afraid? As of now I fear feelings... The feelings of loneliness, brokenness and feeling lost. I have desperately fallen in love with this city, with the people around me and especially with the man I once loved. Though no matter how hard I try I know I will miss the warmth of his skin, his silly remarks and "good" taste in music. Everything has a reason I repeat in my mind, day after day, I only hope and pray for the day, the moments that we will spend together someday. For now, I continue to persevere I try to step out of my comfort zone and explore, take chances and live without any regrets... I shall try to speak my mind, because what I want is also important... Just need to say it, I suppose.

KG

Baby, you're more than that, you're special.

This is how I feel about you.
This song explains it all...
"Every time I see your face, my heart takes off on a high speed chase, now don't be scared, it's only love, that we're falling in"


The first glance I got of your face,
I knew you were special...
The next time I saw you,
we were older..
I thought to myself "who is that good looking guy",
not knowing where it would take me... but you're more than that; you're more than just a good looking guy.
You are kind and loving and I could go on and on, but I won't... You are perfect in my eyes, I've accepted all of your flaws and weaknesses and I have never been able to do that for anyone before you.

it's been too long.

two months and one day since my last post. how depressing.

the thing about time is this,
time + life = change...
sometimes change is good, sometimes it is bad;
in this case its both.

the things that have recently happened are the following:
revelations about life and what i am supposed to do (college & boys)...
getting discouraged about the previously mentioned topics...
not knowing what to do with my life.
mental breakdowns
senioritis
allergies
.......................


now, i assure you, it's not as bad as it sounds... well not really,
a month ago i knew what i wanted, every little detail, or at least i knew it was right, that it was what was going to happened... but i waited and nothing has happened yet, but time will tell.
the things i had revealed to me were that i could wake up every morning to a certain someone (mentioned in a previous post) ... that i could be happy with him for the rest of my life... i didn't care if i had a zit on my face or that my hair was frizzy or make up smeared but if i could just stare into his eyes, i would give anything and everything... i was able to see him perfectly through all of his imperfections and accept him, which i had never been able to see someone in this way before. i don't have him, but i don't want to lose him, but how can i lose something i dont have? how can i come to love so easily? everything is changing and all i pray is that this guy, this wonderful man would be in my future...

do you believe in love at first sight? or when youre a child? do you believe in second chances ? do you think that two people could fall in love that arent even friends at the moment? could all of this happen? all i know... is that we once liked eachother...you were the star of the show, loved by all, and i stood in the crowd and cheered you on, though you didnt know. no words exchanged, no hello, no goodbye, no eye contact, no smile...i wish we could be friends again

my life this week

this week has been unexplainable, amazing and just all around WONDERFUL!
Monday started off with going to my friends house to sled with a 3 other guys, a girl and his sisters.
The hill on which we sled was insane, it was pretty much like death! I had to crawl up it.
After we were done, we went back to his house, made pizza, played video games, played Scrabble and just hung out. After the two other guys left it was just me and my friend and his sisters, two of which were off doing their own thing.  So i decided to play Just Dance on the Wii with his 11yr old sister, which was embarrassing and fun at the same time. He ended up leaving me to go work out at the gym with two of his sisters... leaving me with his 11year old sister pretty much all alone, except their mom was working out in the basement. He gave me a long, tight hug, and thanked me for coming.
I stayed awhile longer, playing with his sister so she wouldn't completely die of boredom and went home. this was one of the best days of my life. I was at his house for 5hours. (:

The previous day i had gone to visit a near by barn to check it out for lessons, i get there hoping not to be late to work and meet the owner and trainer. Firstly they ask if I'd be interested in working, i automatically said YES! and also riding... trading off... today was my first day working and riding for a very long time. I did, i think 10 stalls (so much work!) and rode for an hr. IT WAS SO TIRING.
I have to do the whole barn by myself tomorrow and I'm already dreading it.. and ooh so sore.

But life with sports, boys, work and love are going well for me... I don't know where to go from here, but i'm waiting patiently... school needs to be done, papers written and sleep needs to come. But for now it's me and my blog... my knitting needles and yarn.. my life and my loves.

always,
xoxo
k

I miss you

Dear Grandpa,
I miss you with all of my heart.
As much as I wish you were here,
I wish our family was together today,
celebrating the birth of our King!
My heart aches for the day that our
family will reunite again, because the
ones that are away right now... Need love.
I wish I could meet Philip... I wish that Kathy was here.
As much as I love them, I need them here.
Papa, I miss you. I need you here. I need a hug from you.
I long for the day when I will see you again.


Love,
Kateri